REPROGRAM PARENTAL IMPRINTS

by Sasha Alex Lessin, Ph.D. (UCLA), M.A., (Counseling Psychology, University for Humanistic Studies)

Aloha, I’m Dr. Sasha Lessin.  I want you to free yourself from automatically reacting to your current situations from automatic programs you got when, as a kid, you needed them. You can choose your reactions rather than go on automatic every time.

I call your caretakers Mom and Dad but they could be  Grandma, Nanny, Sister or Uncle).  To varying degrees they met or didn’t meet your needs when you were a tot, a kid and a teen.  How much did they encourage or stifle you as you found your path and pace?

Explore for symbolic resonances of love lacked.  Learn, for yourself and them how imprints rule your life now, dictate the ecology of inner voices, dominate your body, project into your dreams and direct spiritual aspirations. Probe imprints from conception, gestation, labor, delivery, childhood.  Learn how to modify imprints to suit your life nowadays.

PERUSE PRIMAL PROCESS

Arthur Janov (The Feeling Child) wrote that how your mother and father related before they conceived you influenced who you became as an adult.  If you have your own kids, you can  probably see how the way you treated them affected how they became; that’s the way your parents affected you.

Preconceptual Conditioners

Ponder the questions below.  If you don’t know an answer, guess.  If you have more than one guess, think of each.  Each guess is probably right to some degree.  You learn more if you take the extra time to write your answers, you consider and understand each question better.

You learn even more if you take turns with an intimate; one of you read the questions and note the other’s answers.  Best (if you can afford it) let me take you through the clearing exercises so I can expand your exploration where your content leads us.

Respond to questions  that an asterisk * precedes.

*1) Do you now want or have you ever wanted children?

*2) Do you want a child so you can: a. get a person to love you and cuddle, the way you’d have liked your parent to cuddle you; b. attain an heir to carry on your heritage; c. have a baby to show you’re an adult man or woman; or d. give love and share how you and your child feel as she or he grows?

*3) What hopes and expectations did your mother have for you before you were born?

*4) Did she want a boy or girl?

*5) Were you conceived deliberately, accidentally, casually, or forcibly?  Explain.

*6) What hopes and expectations did your father have for you?

Janov says that from before the time you come out of your mother, you deal with your parents’ expectations, hopes, wishes, desires and prejudices of how you should be.  Some parents might not want you.  Other parents want you to give them love they lacked as kids.  Some parents have you to hold their marriage together or win approval from their parents, in-laws or friends.  Some have you to prove themselves masculine men or female women.  Some have you to carry on family names.  You learn these motives.  Each motive hurts you when how how you feel inside contrasts with how they want you.

Conditioning in the Womb

Mom’s habits and circumstances while she carried you in her shaped your basic attitude toward life and toward yourself.  She programmed you for tense adulthood if, while pregnant, she exposed you to too much nicotine, alcohol, noise, hunger or tension of her own.  Her tobacco, booze, starvation or stress make you may die or live a short, quarrelsome life.

*7) You suffer compromised health, if while Mom carried you, she a) smoked; b) drank alcohol; c) was exposed to loud noises; d) had sex; e) was tense; f) all but (d) above.

If she was uptight when she carried you, Mom may have either pushed you out of her before you were ready (premature birth) or held you back when you needed to get out of her.  If she denied her feelings to herself, she concentrated serotonin in her blood which made less blood flow to the placenta for your use.  If Mom experienced this tension-serotonin syndrome, you almost abort or deliver too soon.

Conditioning at Birth

Physical conditions of birth affect your potentials. With this in mind, find out about your own birth.  If possible, talk to your mother and others who were around when you were born.

*8) Describe the physical conditions of your birth, in terms of  a)   hours of your mother’s labor; b) difficulty of birth; c) type or presence of anesthetic Mom given; d) timing of birth (premature, on-time, late); e) place of birth (home or hospital); f)  mother’s condition while she carried you within (tension, peacefulness, health, illness); g) delivery conditions (Caesarian, breech, head first; forceps, bare-handed or rubber-gloves); h) lighting (dim or bright); i) temperature of delivery room (cool hospital, warm home); j) treatment after birth (separated from mother or given to her, incubator, breast or bottle); k) people present at birth (doctor, midwife, father, friends).

Poor Birth Conditions

In a typical hospital, Janov says, the journey from womb to room thrusts you from warmth to cold.  The doctor drags you drugged from 98 degrees warmth of the womb of your drugged and terrified mother into a room chilled to 72 degrees for the well-dressed doctor.  He or she pulls you with rubber gloves or forceps into harsh light.

The doctor cuts the umbilical cord that gives you oxygen before you breathe through your mouth or nose.  You must get air in your lungs quick.  He or she beats your bottom until you gasp.  A nurse cleans, weigh, displays and for a few minutes let Mom hold you.  The nurse puts you in a plastic box and wheels you into a room where other babies wail from pain and separation. If male, strangers may cut off your foreskin in the next few days.

You emerge to life outside Mom with pain, shock and profound disorientation. The rhythm of the efficient nursing crews replaces the steady rhythm of your mother’s heartbeat.

If your cord chokes you as you deliver if you emerge feet first or through Mom’s abdomen in non-elective Caesarian, pain may overwhelm you.  Late or premature delivery floods you with hurt.  If forceps pressure or other accident damage you, you may feel so overwhelmed with pain that you shut down all emotion.

If Mom herself had a painful birth, when she comes to birth you, her own forgotten birth pain floods her and she clamps the muscles in her womb and birth canal.  If this halts your delivery too long and amitotic fluid threatens you with drowning, little air tubes in your lungs close.  They imprint air-tube closing.  This imprint can create asthma.

If you don’t get enough oxygen due to your mother’s tension, you may grow into a child who can’t relate to others.

Good Birth Conditions

Birth gives you a good start if you, your mother, father and friends share a gentle experience.  Your drug-free mellow mother opens her cervix to let you out.  She already felt her own birth and other repressed pains, so has no unresolved birth trauma to pass on to you.  Dad and friends encourage and massage her and you in a warm, dim room. They put you on her chest where you hear her heartbeat–the sound you heard when Mom carried you inside–and you relax. You breathe on your own before anyone cuts the umbilicus that gives you oxygen before your nose or mouth does.

You and all present fall in love with (bond) each other.  The adults bathe you in warm water you associate with the pleasure you felt weeks before, when you floated inside Mom.  She breastfeeds you whenever you seem hungry.

*9) Evaluate the conditions of your birth (that you have completed in 6 above) in terms of Janov’s  good and bad birth circumstances.  Overall, how loving, gentle and natural was your birth?

*10) What kind of model did your birth give you?  If your birth showed you how your life would be, what did it foretell?

LINE I CONSCIOUSNESS: THE BODY–VISCERAL, SENSORY, BIOLOGICAL (SPINAL NERVE)

Your experience in utero, at delivery and after your birth pattern the first layer of your brain, your spinal nerve.  The spinal nerve regulates your automatic body functions, sensations and responses.  Janov calls this basic biological pattern your first line of consciousness, your body consciousness.  For your body to feel loved and develop you need touch, holding, stimulation, peacefulness, sleep-time, breast feeding, food on your schedule, health care and a dry bottom.

LINE II CONSCIOUSNESS: EMOTIONS (LIMBIC SYSTEM)

You develop the second layer of your consciousness, your emotional consciousness when you interact with people.  Your lower (subcortical) brain houses your second line of consciousness.  For you to feel loved and develop at the second line of consciousness, caretakers must meet your needs for emotional expression, and contact with people who love you, care, protection, and developmental support for you to find your own satisfactions at your own pace.

LINE III CONSCIOUSNESS: THOUGHTS, INTELLECT (NEOCORTEX)

The top part of your brain, the neocortex activates your intellect.  You need rearers to answer your questions so you feel loved and can develop fully.  You need to understand yourself, the world and how your body, feelings, and thoughts mediate your realtity.

Baby Needs

You develop into a healthy, relaxed, mellow, human who can love if your rearers give you true love as you grow.  They hold you close a lot and feed you when you feel hunger.  They give you water, clean you, give you quiet time, stimulate you and protect when you need cleaning, quiet, interaction and protection.  They let you grow at your speed natural directions.  They love and accept you as you are and don’t try to make you some other way.  They encourage you to explore yourself and the world but don’t push you to do what they think.  Rearers who love you encourage you to explore and develop your own body.  They help you develop at your pace and accept your body, looks and body processes so you enjoy your body and what you can do with it.  Parents love you if you feel everything, love art, dig kids, climb trees or excell in school.

Before you reach 5 years old, you react to each of your parents’ unloving acts.  About 5, however, your brain matures and general thoughts.  The general thought that scares you most if you have not been loved: “Mommy or Daddy doesn’t love me.”

Sometimes before age 5 an incident or a general feeling lets you know Mom and Dad do not appreciate you as you are. That blows your little mind.  You die without their love.  Yet you know they don’t love you as you are.  The thought, “Mommy doesn’t love me.”overwhelms you.  Unbearable emotions flood you.  You’ve got to shut off that awful feeling.

You try to tuck away the thought that your parent or parents don’t love you.  You foget they don’t adore the spontaneous you.  You avoid situations that remind you they distained parts of you.  To avoid the thought Mom and Dad don’t love you, you may talk nonstop, act emotionless, threaten, space out, play dumb, show brilliance orchange the subject.  Or you might defend against the feeling unlovable with smoke, food, sex, dope, prayer, or even hair fondling.  To defend, you may develop asthma or ulcers.  You may play super macho or super fem to avoid situations that trigger the thought that you lacked parents’ love.  Until you confront the fact your parents rejected you in your spontaneous state, you feel nervous and act defensive.  You avoid dealing with what you unconsciously know: your parents didn’t love you no matter what.  This makes you overreact or under-react to current situations.

Your parents either met or did not meet your needs as a child in ways you could sense.  Parents who loved you met your needs and found ways for you to meet your needs.  Their behavior, not just their words, showed or lacked love. If they failed to hold you enough lacked love you needed.  Feel what happened to you and you can overcome it.

*11) What specific needs does Janov say your parents must meet for you as a baby to feel loved?  What must they do to give you the atmosphere to develop into a relaxed, healthy child?  Specify the particular needs rearers must meet for the child’s health at each line of consciousness.

*12) What do loving parents do when they see their child masturbate?

*13) Janov would consider parents’ behavior unloving if they a) fed you on a schedule, b) let you fend for yourself,  c) encouraged you to learn only the sports and skills they thought okay for your sex, d) urged you to develop in the directions they’d like you to go, e) had you to keep them together, f) all of these, g) none of these.

TOUCH, HOLDING, STIMULATION: SPITZ’ STUDIES

Spitz studied babies in American orphanages and proved Janov right.  Spitz’s studies confirm Janov’s hypothesis that we register love in our basic Line 1 consciousness through how our rearers meet our biological needs for touch and interaction.  We die without love.  “Mortality (death) rates in institutions for infants have always been high, and figures such as 75% to 90% dead in the first year were not uncommon.  The children were well cared for but they just lost their will to live.

Spitz compared a touch-oriented environment–the Nursery–with a minimal-touch environment–called the Foundling Home.  “In the Nursery, the babies were cared for by their real mothers, who were in prison.  In the Foundling Home, infants given up by their mothers were cared for by professional nurses.

“Babies in the Nursery developed normally.  At the end of two years, almost all were happy and healthy.

“For the babies in the Foundling Home at age six to eight months, smiling behaviors, which had started at about three months, disappeared.  The children began to sleep more than ordinary and when awake, they seemed lethargic and unresponsive.  Eventually, motor deficits became more pronounced, and the children became more and more passive.  Their faces became empty, their eyes focused on nothing, and their facial expression reminded observers of imbeciles.  The second year, tests of social and mental development showed them to be, on the average, 45% of normal-level of idiots.  At age four, few of them could sit, stand, walk or talk.  That is, if they reached age four.  Over one out of three died before reaching two years.  The major difference was the fact that the children in the Nursery had both these advantages–love, and someone to talk to them, hold and fondle them, play with them.

“The Nursery babies developed normally, with a few notable exceptions.  These exceptions (34 cases) at first were weepy and demanding and over-dependent.  Then they began to withdraw, sliding into patterns like those of the children in the Foundling Home.  Spitz found every single one had been deprived of his or her mother for some time, beginning in the sixth to eighth month” (Geiwitz, J., Psychology, 1976: 326-332).

YOUR TOUCH EXPERIENCE

Lie on your side.  Breathe deeply.  Hold a pillow as you wanted someone to hold you.

Recall when someone cuddles you when you wee. If you don’t recall that, imagine it.

MORE QUESTIONS

*14) Who holds you?

*15) Feel where your bodies touch.  Feel the quality of the holding.  Notice how free you and your holder touch each other.  How does that person hold you?

*16) Now imagine that youself a bit older.  Do you still sit on laps?  Whose? Does anyone wrestle with you, throw you and catch you, play “horsie” with you?

*17) Does mama give you her breast?

*18) Does someone hold you when you drink from a bottle?

*19) How did you go from breast to bottle or glass?

*20) Recall how you people held and touched in childhood.  How did people hold and touch you at different ages?

*21) If your family gets another baby after you, does this affect how people at home touch you?

*22) Can and do you hold the new baby too?

*23) Who besides your parents hold you?  Grandparents?  Nurses?  Aunties?  Uncles?  Your older brothers or sisters?  Baby sitters?

*24) Recall your childhood bathing. As an infant, who bathes you?  How do they handle and wash you?  Are there parts of you they feel uncomfortable touching or that they skip?  What attitudes toward your body do they convey to you?

*25) See the rest of your holding-touch history with the people of your family.  When you reach 12, how do you make tactile contact?

*26) 15?  Other ages?

*27) Does Dad hold you or put his arms around your shoulders?  Does Mom kiss you?

*28) If you weren’t held, how did you feel about that?

*29) As you grow up, do Mom or Dad touch and hold one of you kids more than the others?  Which kid?  How does this favoritism affect you?

*30) When as a child you hold and touch people outside of your family, what’s that like?

*31) a.  As a teen, how do you touch your boyfriends and/or girlfriends?  b.  How did your childhood touch experiences influence how touch now?

*32) Recall how, as you grow up, your parents touch each other.  Do they hold hands, kiss, hug, get sexy with each other in front of you?

*33) Do they hide how they touch each other from you?

*34) Do they want you to go away when they want to love each other?

*35) How do you hold and touch nowadays?  What was the last time you were held before you read this page?   Who held you and how?  Who, nowadays do you touch and how?

*36) How do you hold your children or children with whom you interact?

*37) Relate how the way you were held as a child and a teen affected the way you hold and touch as an adult.

DEPROGRAM YOURSELF

You get an examples of parental programming if you consider your attitudes toward your sexuality, anger or spirituality.  The exercise I share in this intro suggests you probe the origins and power of your sexual conditioning.  I reserve further exploration of anger and spiritual management imprinting for extended work.

Anyway, as regards your sexuality, if parents, religious guides, media icons, literary paragons, authority figures and/or peers encouraged you to explore sexuality at your own pace and in your own directions, you grew sexual and romantic inner voices and a center to coordinate them.  But if they discouraged you, you may have depressed your sexual and lover parts.  Perhaps they imprinted you with their attitudes toward masturbation, sex with people with disabilities, or sex with people of races, body types, ages, religions, occupations, wealth, location or education that differ from or seem similar to yours.

Did caretakers, media and peers stop you from what you wanted to do?  Did they made you do what you didn’t want to.  If they interfered with your erotic explorations, maybe you may conformed to or rebelled against what they wanted.  If parents forbade self-pleasuring, they held you back.  If on the other hand they pressed you to masturbate instead of sharing sex with people, they pushed you to masturbate.

When people push and pull you, they imply you lack judgement to choose for yourself.  They want you different from the way you’d develop if you’d explore; they neither push nor restrain you.

Maybe you obeyed them and acted like you thought those who pushed or restrained wanted and constellated a Pleaser or Conformist Subself.  Or you may have or rebelled against them and constellated a Rebel or Addictive Sub.  In either case–if your caretakers pushed or pulled you in directions and paces they demanded, you know they didn’t love you as you were naturally.

RESCRE

Transcend your erotic conditioning: respond to the rescript cues with a partner then take a seeker through them (See beginners’ version in Tantra for All Chakras: 88-91).

Embrace aspects of yourself you inhibited.  Embrace both your conditioned reactions and your inhibited subpersonalities in terms of what both need.  Witness and center yourself; coordinate your own lovelife.

Reprogram a limit; then love and enjoy sex more.  Remember, though you sample reprogramming your sexual imprints, the same reprogramming pattern works for any neglected aspect of your potential, including your suppressed artistic, angry, spiritual, nurturing and intellectual energies.

In the cue-sequence below, you relive a time someone interfered with your love or sexuality so you inhibited or fixated how you sense, do sex, or show love.  You learn in the cues, how to rescript yourself to choose how you love and enjoy sex in the present.

Your partner reads:

Lie on your back, eyes closed, legs apart, arms at your side. Take long, slow breaths through your mouth; let your belly stick out when you breathe in, fall when you breathe out.  Make a soft “ahh” sound as you let all the air out.

Recall WHEN SOMEONE PUSHED you into something sexual or romantic you weren’t ready for or WHEN THEY HELD YOU BACK from something you were ready for.   About how old were you?  Tell (and relive) the incident in the PRESENT TENSE.

What EMOTION do you experience when they push or pull you?

What body sensations do you feel in this experience?

Feel that emotion now.   Sink into the feeling more deeply.   INTENSIFY it.

Imagine–perhaps unlike the situation you’ve relived–you can express yourself now and tell your pusher (or puller) how you feel.  Amplify and EXPRESS yourself to the person(s) involved in the situation.

What limits, fixations, conclusions, attitudes and INNER VOICES (subpersonalities) does this experience create or reinforce in you?

How did the fixations, conclusions, attitudes and inner voices (subselves) you developed or reinforced from this experience serve you then?  HOW HAVE THESE VOICES AND ATTITUDES PROTECTED YOUR INNER CHILD throughout the years?

How do these protective subselves and defensive attitudes serve you NOWADAYS?  What do the protective selves need?

REVISE AND RETELL THE SCENE you relived.  Retell it with a script that frees you in situations that remind you of the one you where you imprinted your options.  Your retell should imply positive potential options.  

I ROLEPLAY      [say the person’s name–Mom, Dad, Lover, Rapist, etc.] in the situation.  This time I act-out his/her part as you rewrite.  How should I play him/her [choose one] so you remember you choose your reactions to situations that remind you of what you relived.

Create an AFFIRMATION–a reminder sentence–to help you remember you can choose your response to situations that recall the situation that imprinted you to limit yourself in sex or love.  Say what you affirm aloud.

Affirm your affirmation again, louder. Shout it.

Imagine a future instance where you get your old automatic reaction to a sex, love or relation issue. 

Ask the subself that carries your old reaction to tell you its CONCERNS in the instance you imagine.  Tell me what it tells you.

Ask the sub that says “yes” to new options what it wants in the instance you fantasize.

CENTER yourself between the sub that offers your old reaction and the sub that says
“reflect and choose.”  Tell me what the steps you’ll take to meet the concerns of both subs.

COMMENT on this experience.

Trade roles with me; read the cues to me.
***

*38) What did you experience when you responded to the cues in bold print  above?  What did you learn in your role as Reader?  As  Responder?  With whom did you partner for the cues just above?

*39) Take a partner through Reprogram Yourself for Your Directions at Your Pace.  Write up what your seeker processed and how you facilitated her or him.

*40) In what ways did your parents show you love when you were little?

*41) Overall, to what degree did your parents give you true love at each of your levels of consciousness?

MEND MOM’S MISTAKES 

If Mom didn’t love and accept herself and others, you may have copied or reacted against her model  You could have created a defensive subself to deal with her example.  Mom couldn’t model self-love and overflow love to you if their parents, in turn, didn’t model it.

Divorce your mother figures and rise above their negative examples.  Rage at how females hurt your and gave you junk models to copy. Then put yourself their places and get how their moms moulded them.  Forgive your mother-figures or at least understand your karmic relation for them and, if you’re ready, express love for each person who mothered you.

DADS: If the dudes who reared you didn’t love themselves and others, you may’ve copied this.  If so, divorce your father-figures and do better than they did.  Your dad or dad-stand-ins may never have and never will ove you unconditionally but you can follow the cues below, step-by-step, and express anger in a healthy way.  Don’t dump on your dads.  Instead, after you discharge anger, empathize with them.  Review how their parents imprinted them to imprint you.  Forgive them and tell them you love them.

You copied caretakers’ traits.  You may love some traits you copied–maybe Mom’s manners or Dad’s humor.

You may’ve also copied traits you’d like to change so you don’t nag like Mom or cheat like Dad.

See Mom’s model, then Dad’s.  Discharge emotions stored in these troublesome traits, forgive yourself and your parents.  Then you can leave their limits, love them and love yourself too.

Partner with someone and read the cues to a partner who responds. Next, reverse roles and let your partner read the cues to you and you respond.  You both heal and forgive your caregivers.

Clear With The Mother In Your Mind

Did your Mom want you?  

Did she want a girl or a boy? 

Did she treat you like a bouquet or a burden? 

Did she ignore you or leave you to others?

Did you delight her?

Did she show you love you felt?  Make time for you? 

Did she die or desert you?  If so, do you still hurt inside?

Did she teach you to get along with or struggle against your siblings? 

Did she displace you with other kids or show favoritism?

How well did she ready you for school and react to your grades, sports, plays and clubs? 

Did she encourage you or criticize and withhold praise?

Did she use your successes to win status from her friends? 

Attend Visitor’s Day at school?

How joyous did she make birthdays and holidays? 

How did she react when you gave her gifts?

Did she hit you? 

Ignore your misdeeds?

Stop speaking to you?

Threaten God’s wrath?

Leave discipline to Dad?  Did she teach you to deny mistakes? 

Did she help you shape your behavior yet respect your integrity and self-esteem?

When you ailed, did she comfort and care for you? Or make you feel guilty? 

Did she reward illness to get tenderness?

What attitudes toward men and marriage did she model? 

Did she belittle or praise Dad? 

Did she model equality or submissiveness in marriage?

Did she enjoy your friends or did she show jealousy toward them? 

Did she let you pick your own friends or did she pick them and so you distrusted your judgement?

Did she demonstrate tolerance or prejudice?

Did she laugh and play with you, or withdraw, tense or mope?

Don’t confront your living mother with this material until you (later) balance how you see her.

RELEASE RESENTMENT

Use fists, a tennis racket, baseball bat or rubber hose: pound a cushion.  Each time you pound, yell,

Mother, I resent you for …” (Complete many times, until you exhaust your resentments.)

SAY SECRETS

List things you hid from her.

Imagine Mom sits before you.  Tell her your secrets.

Then sit on her seat and play her.  As her, respond.

Dialogue about the secrets; alternate in her role and yours.      

FINISH FEELINGS

Finish, to her, “I haven’t resolved …

LET OUT LONGING

Tell her what you wanted and needed from her.        

Say all you longed and hoped for from her.

HEAR SUBSELVES THAT MIMIC MOM

Realize how you copied Mom; identify unwanted traits she showed that you adopted. 

Next, put yourself in Mom’s place.  When you empathize with the hand life dealt her, you get that she did the best she could.

FEEL HER      

Empathize with Mom till you forgive and love her. Maybe her mother didn’t hug, help, cheer her like you wanted.  But put yourself in her place and drop your anger.  Work through conflicts that keep you apart.  Forgive her.

Identify with Mom when she was 13.  Begin, “I’m … [Partner’s Mother’s first name]

My life’s like … (Describe it.)  “I got this way, because …”    

As 13-year-old Mom-to-be, say whether and how you felt loved.

Tell how the people in your family got and get along. 

Say how your parents affected the way you and your siblings treated each other.

If you were an only child, how did this affect you?

Relate how you fared at school. 

Say how your parents treated your friends.     

Tell your child-to-be,      [Partner’s Mother]  how your parents led you to raise him or her. 

What flaws marred their teaching?

Be you again.  Tell your 13-year-old Mom-to-be how your first 13 years compared to hers. 

Ask how her early years led her to treat you.  Then roleplay her; answer.      

Again enact your inner own Inner 13-year old again.  As the girl you were, ask Mom’s 13­ year old–her inner young person–five questions you understand how what she learned made her how she was with you.  If you don’t know, make up probable answers.

Compare how parents and life programmed you and your mother.  How did the programs you each got affect how you and your parents related to each other in the past and even now?

LOVE MOM

Imagine Mom died.  If she already died, visualize her funeral.

Watch her coffin close.  Empathize with her.   Feel what the girl in her hoped, dreamed, loved and cherished as the coffin shuts over her.

See her buried or her ashes housed or scattered.  Did her life turn out like she wanted?

Finish:  “Mother, I forgive you for …”

Tell Mom what you appreciate; say her good traits.

Relive aloud some love and fun you and Mom shared.

Which traits, habits, attitudes and subpersonalities Mom modeled do you  adopt as yours too?

Imagine you and she both 13.  Play, frolic, skip, share love.

If true, say, “Mother, I love you.”  

Talk with her in person.  Alternately, phone or write her and communicate kindly about your relationship with her. If she died, speak to her spirit.

Emphasize her negative side; raise your ire.  Reread your essay on the bad side of your life with your mother. What do you notice now when you reread what you wrote?

*44) What did you learn about your relations with your mother when you a) enacted her, b) expressed resentments, c) told secrets, e) revealed longings and f) finished feelings with her?

*45) What did you learn from when you guided and led your partners as they roleplayed, released feelings, shared longing to their mothers?

*46) Imagine that hidden in the shadows of your semi-conscious you hear a voice that reminds you of what you hated about Mom.  Imagine this disowned voice within you says what it wants and why.  Report your process.

*47) Realize how you copied Mom; list unwanted traits of hers that you adopted.

*48) Compare and contrast Mom’s and your thirteen-year old lives and the pressures that molded you both.

DELETE DAD’S DEFECTS 

See the inner voices and mannerisms you derived from Dad. 

Remember habits he had that helped or hurt you.  If you fought them, you may have made yourself into his opposite.                    
Empower the rites below that let you customize and debug the elements of your father’s program in you.  Assume that, to the degree he didn’t adore, satisfy and support Mom and you kids, he embittered her, chilled her heart; made her cold, phony or critical.

Did Dad deem you a blessing, accident or burden?

Did he want you male or female? 

Did he want you to do what he didn’t?

Did he make you meet his standards? Compete with you?

Women: did Dad ignore you, teach you males counted more? 

Did he model men as cold, distant or babyish?

Did you and Dad hug, play, talk, listen and love as you wanted? 

Did he heed only his, Mom’s or the other kids’ needs and ignore yours?

Did he parent or just pay for and police you.  Or leave you to Mom?

Did he avoid, fear, bully, put down, or humor Mom? 

Did he grovel?  The way he treated her showed you how to act with women. 

Did you see him hug and kiss, her, hear him compliment her?

How he treated you and the other kids started your attitudes toward authority. 

Did he dictate, stifle spontaneity?

Did he hit, confine or abuse you, Mom, your brothers or sisters? 

Did he, with love, help you learn right from wrong?

Did he always decide what you’d do together?

Or always let you have your way? 

Or combine guidance and flexibility?

Did he cheer and enjoy you and your siblings or judge, mock or just tolerate you.

Did he emphasize grades too much?  Did he care?

Did he see you only when you misbehaved?

Did he make you compete with the other kids? Favor you or them? 

Was he fair?

Good provider?  Or did he make you beg for money? 

Did he discuss family finances so you mastered money?

Did Dad demand Mom love only him, while he had other women? 

Was he happy married to Mom?

How did he view sex?

How did he react to your puberty and interest in sex? 

What did he teach you to expect in relations?

Did he overwork? 

Work poorly? 

Balance work and play? 

Did he laugh lots?

Did he leave or die early, make you deal with a stepdad or Mom’s lovers who modeled negative traits for you to adopt or rebel against?

Release your anger toward him.

Tell him your withholds.

Relate your what you longed-for, Tell him your needs.

Tell him how you got his bad traits, adopted inner voices modeled on him.         

Pretend you and Dad, both 13 years-old, talk.  First, enact Dad as a 13-year-old and say how your folks raised.  Say how they conditioned you to treat me as you did.

Compare your 13-year-old lives.   

Play Dad and tell your child the trouble you had with him or her.

Be you again.  Tell Dad what you appreciate.

Tell him what you forgive him for.

See him buried and feel warmth for him. 

Tell him you love him.

Which traits, habits, attitudes and subselves Dad demonstrated do you choose as yours too?

Relive scenes with him that you enjoyed.

Compare your father’s and your thirteen­-year-old existences and the pressures that molded him and you.

Talk with him in person, message or write him and, with love, speak about your relationship with him. If he died, speak to his spirit.

CLEAR WITH EACH REARER

Clear, as you did for Mom and Dad, with each person in charge of you as you grew.  Purge your negative feelings toward each.

PLAY IT AGAIN WITH LOVE

Relive an upset you had as an infant or later in life that affected your lovelife.

What did you feel?  Feel it now. 

Express that emotion.  Amplify it; express it to the people involved.

Say what you decided as a result of the upset?

How did what you decided help?

What would you like to do that you didn’t do?

Rerun the scene aloud, the way you’d like it to have been.  If you do it with a partner, have him or her play the other person involved in your upset the way you wanted.  Do what you’d have liked to.    

Forgive yourself and the other person.

What’d you learn?  Sum it up; affirm what you learned.

Imagine you live from what you affirm instead what you decided earlier.

PARENT YOURSELF

Consider “C,” a conflict you experience in your lovelife–one that doesn’t involve your real parents.

Fantasize a MODEL MOM, perfect every way.  She always cherishes the babe, child, teen and adult within you.  She adores your fantasy father and reacts always with archetypal maternal wisdom.

Portray her; tell your traits.

Tell your child (you) how you feel toward him or her.

Counsel your child how to relate to “C”.  

Hold the child close and let him or her feel your love, absorb your clarity. 

Then change back to you and get Mom’s gifts.

Picture PERFECT POP–wise, warm, fair, protective, encouraging.  He adores the child in you and worships your ideal mother.

Act him.  Describe your qualities. 

Tell your child how you feel toward him or her.

Advise your child on Conflict C.  Hold him or her and your ideal wife.  Help your model mate convey compassion, strength and insight to your child.

Picture your HIGH SELF as it illuminates you and your ideal parents.

Fuse with your High Self; beam light and love to the ideal parents and their beloved child (you).

Play you again and get the love, blessings and wisdom your High Self and Ideal Parents give you.

Imagine your Ideal Parents enter the safe, warm room in your heart where your Inner Child dwells.  There, they nurture the Child, who continues to grow.

This week, deal with Conflict C with the wisdom you gained from your Ideal Parents, High Self and Inner Child.

[QUESTIONS]

*49) Write an essay entitled Hurts, Upsets, Disappointments with Dad: Defects in The Relating Program He Modeled.

*50) Draw each of the inner voices you adopted from Dad.

*51) Write a sentence for each voice you drew in *50) above.  Say how each contributes to your inner ecology.

*52) What do you notice now when you reread your essay: Hurts, Upsets, Disappointments with Dad: Defects in What He Modeled?

*53) What did you learn from enacted Dad, released resentments, said secrets, revealed longings and finished feelings to him?

*54) What did you learn when you led partners as they released resentments, said secrets, revealed longings and finished feelings to their fathers

*55) Compare and contrast your father’s and your thirteen-year old existences and the pressures that formed you.

*56) What issue did you “Play Again with Love,” what did you reprogram?  What do you affirm to give you reaction choices?

*57) What was your conflict C and how did your Ideal Parents and High Self advise you on it?

Anyway, that’s a start and a sample of what we work through in childhood reression therapy.  It’s a great method share with a mate before you get into the intensive bonding work in Voice Dialogue Centering.

1 hour $150.00 (USD)

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