By Sasha Alex Lessin, Dean, School of Counseling

BREAKING UP: ASSESS GIFTS YOU GOT, GO TO NEXT TASK*

By Sasha Alex Lessin, Dean, School of Counseling

https://schoolofcounseling.org/

YOUTUBE: click the words, ”SIGNS YOU NEED TO BREAK UP” on the post below this one.

Daphne Kingma gives us this formula for ending a relationship well:

When you end a primary relationship, you go through stages when you deny,

rage,

blame,

bargain,

whip yourself.

DROP YOUR ATTACHMENT; END THE RELATING AS IT WAS, REDEFINE IT AS IT NOW IS, AND EMBRACE THE NEXT STAGE IN YOUR EVOLUTION.

Below, I relate exercises you can do alone without the person you’re breaking up with.

Give yourself lots of time to write in private and a space where you can emote, even sob and scream without interruption. Or do the exercises aloud on a tape machine or with a facilitator.

TELL THE LOVE STORY–Write or say the positive beginnings and the warning you didn’t heed, the illusions, hopes, and romantic feelings with which you started the relationship

A. Say HOW YOU FELL IN LOVE.

B. Describe the EARLY STAGES of your relationship.

C. Recall how you ignored the FATAL FLAW that would ultimately lead to the relationship’s end.

RELATE THE REAL STORY

A. Note WHAT WAS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE when you started the relationship.

a. Say WHERE WERE YOU IN TERMS OF RELATIONSHIPS at the time you started this one.

b. Remember the developmental CHALLENGES YOU FACED when you started this relation. Say what challenges your partner faced when she or he began the relationship with you.

c. Relate the GIFTS did each of you had for each other in the relationship.

d. Tell HOW THE FATAL FLAW CAME OUT as you and your partner related.

e. TITLE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, as though it were a movie or novel.

f. Say the REAL REASON YOU BROKE UP.

CATHART & LET IT BE TRULY OVER EMOTIONALLY

A. Pinpoint the BREAKING POINT, when something died in the relationship.
B. List reasons IT WOULDN’T HAVE WORKED for you to persevere in the relationship anymore.

C. Write a POISON PEN LETTER to you ex; don’t send it; get out your blame, be unreasonable. Just get the anger out of your body. Scream and hit a cushion as you write.

D. Write a letter of CONFESSION & APOLOGY to your ex; don’t send it. Say how you contributed to the relationship’s end.

E. Write a LETTER OF FORGIVENESS TO YOURSELF. Start it with “Dear me: “

GIVE THANKS FOR GIFTS YOU GOT FROM THE RELATIONSHIP

List what you learned, how you grew.

REDEFINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP IN ITS NEW FORM

A. Consider HOW YOU’D LIKE NOW TO RELATE to your ex.

B. Record the developmental TASKS THAT NOW BECKON to you.

Kingma, D., 1987, Coming Apart, Fawcett

For oodles of tantra explorations, click www.enkispeaks.com

DO THE NEXT RELATIONSHIP BETTER WITH THESE BOOKS

**TANTRA for ALL CHAKRAS
amazon.com/Tantra-Chakras-Sasha-Alex-Lessin/dp/1548102830
guides you through experiences that help you:

• Love each other more and better
• Open your energy vortexes (chakras) to each other
• Share your diverse inner-voices
• Learn what hurts and scares your Inner Kids
• Discern when to lower your subself shields
• Share vulnerability and connect with each other
• Synergize your inner selves’ dance within and between you
• Refine how you relate