Coming Apart Therapy ~ Sasha Lessin, Ph.D. & Janet Kira Lessin

Sometimes couples reach the decision to part, a process that can be excruciatingly painful. The Lessins help you part as friends, with dignity, grace and respect. Honor the time you had together and view it with a new-found appreciation. Come to terms peacefully. Learn methods to maintain friendship. Share child-rearing responsibilities. Incorporate new relationships into the extended family. Calm fears, especially the kids’. Process grief effectively. Mourn the loss of the road not traveled and the future not shared. Release old patterns that no longer serve you. Practice methods to improve. Learn how to embrace life anew with love and peace in your heart.

BREAKING UP*: ASSESS GIFTS YOU GOT, GO TO NEXT TASK

by Sasha Alex Lessin, Dean, School of Counseling

Daphne Kingma give us this formula for ending a relationship well:

When you end a primary relationship, you go through stages when you deny, rage, blame, bargain, whip yourself, drop your attachment, end the relating as it was, redefine it as it now is, and embrace the next stage in your evolution.

Here’s exercises you can do alone, without the person with whom you’re breaking up. Give yourself lots of time to write in private and a space where you can emote, even sob and scream without interruption. Or do the exercises aloud in a tape machine or with a facilitator.

1) TELL THE LOVE STORY–Write or say the positive beginnings and the warning you didn’t heed, the illusions, hopes and romantic feelings with which you started the relationship

1. Say HOW YOU FELL IN LOVE.
2. Describe the EARLY STAGES of your relationship.
3. Recall how you ignored the FATAL FLAW that would ultimately lead to the relationship’s end.

2) RELATE THE REAL STORY

1. Note WHAT WAS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE when you started the relationship.
2. Say WHERE WERE YOU IN TERMS OF RELATIONSHIPS at the time you started this one.
3. Remember the developmental CHALLENGES YOU FACED when you started this relation. Say what challenges your partner faced when she or he began the relationship with you.
4. Relate the GIFTS did each of you had for each other in the relationship.
5. Tell HOW THE FATAL FLAW CAME OUT as you and your partner related.
6. TITLE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, as though it were a movie or novel.
7. Say the REAL REASON YOU BROKE UP.

3) CATHART & LET IT BE TRULY OVER EMOTIONALLY

1. Pinpoint the BREAKING POINT, when something died in the relationship.
2. List reasons IT WOULDN’T HAVE WORKED for you to persevere in the relationship anymore.
3. Write a POISON PEN LETTER to you ex; don’t send it; get out your blame, be unreasonable. Just get the anger out of your body. Scream and hit a cushion as you write.
4. Write a letter of CONFESSION & APOLOGY to your ex; don’t send it. Say how you contributed to the relationship’s end.
5. Write a LETTER OF FORGIVENESS TO YOURSELF. Start it with “Dear me: “

4) GIVE THANKS FOR GIFTS YOU GOT FROM THE RELATIONSHIP.

 List what you learned, how you grew.

5) REDEFINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP IN ITS NEW FORM

1. Consider HOW YOU’D LIKE NOW TO RELATE to your ex.
2. Record the developmental TASKS THAT NOW BECKON to you.

* Kingma, D., 1987, Coming Apart, Fawcett

1 hour $150.00 (USD)

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